And the Next Great Food Idea Is …

As much as I hate commercial television (primarily for the commercials), I occasionally succumb to the mindlessness and have the set on in the background.  Every time I do, I’m reminded of why I turned the damned thing off in the first place.

Case in point:  Had the tube on yesterday in “background noise” mode, when a commercial jumped out of the clutter, demanding my attention.  The product:  Freschetta PizzaMore, the latest frozen pizza product from the Schwan Food Company (who also make Red Baron, Tony’s, and other brands).  But the pizza wasn’t what caught my attention, it was that it comes pre-sliced.

That’s right:  pre-sliced.

The minute I heard that, the Eggo commercial from 2003 (where they introduced Eggo Maple Syrup) ran through my mind.  Rocket surgery, pure and simple.  Rocket surgery.

What the bloody blue blazes have we come to if we don’t have time to cut up a pizza?  Are we so busy that we can’t take the extra, what, 15 seconds to whack a slice out of a pie?  Or, are we so afraid that we’ve forgotten how to use knives that, to keep ourselves safe, we invent products that remove the need for them?

Wait, hold the phone.  Knife-less food.  Would work well on airplanes.  Ok, so maybe there are places where that would be an idea.  But … still … what gives?

What’s next, you might ask?  What will human ingenuity invent next?  I’ll tell you and (unlike the plethora of “make a million dollars … if you buy my book” hustlers) I’m going to give the idea away.  Right here, right now.  Free.  Take it and become the next great idea.

Here it is:  Pre-chewed food.  Think about it:

• Nothing to cut up.  No knives.
• Reduces (or eliminates) stress on your teeth.  For that matter, you can enjoy it even when you have no teeth, so a consumer could purchase the product for a longer period of their lives (more profits to the business).
• Guaranteed textural consistency.
• A complete meal could be served up out of a yogurt tub.  And, if the tub is “green”, so much the better.

It’s not as revolutionary a concept as you might think.  Native Alaskan tribes will pre-chew whale blubber before feeding it to people too weak to chew their own food.  No worries, thought, the Aleuts don’t hold a patent on the process.

There you go:  Pre-chewed food.  Go forth and gather VC support.

But remember:  You learned about it here.

You say "grilled flatbread" ... I say "pizza"

I realize that our society is hung up on words and phrases, but I don't understand it.  Somehow, we've transcended to a plane where you can rename a common thing and we'll willingly, lemming-like, accept it as the greatest new invention since sliced ... well ... anything.

Case in point:  Patagonian Toothfish.  The name alone is as unappetizing as a toothpaste sandwich.  It paints a mental picture of of a cross between Flipper, Shamoo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Jeff Dunham's Bubba J.  But, with a flurry of penmanship, the name morphs into "Chilean Seabass", which is now Seafood Watch's overfished list.  Has the fish changed?  No.  Has it gained additional, magical flavor?  No.  It's just gotten a "media makeover" and people have gone gonzo over it.  I'm not blaming Americans as the exclusive reason this is happening, in Japan it's called "mero" and is incredibly  expensive.

Where am I going with this?  In a word:  names.  I've seen it happen in restaurants over the past couple years, where what we used to call "pizza" is now being labeled as "grilled flatbread".  Is it new?  No.  Is it different?  No.  It's a flat piece of dough with toppings.  It's flipping pizza. Call it "farinata", "cecina", "tarte flambée", "Lahmacun", "pissaladiere", "calzone" or "stromboli" it all boils down to the same thing:  dough with toppings.  Period.

Sorry for the rant.  George Carlin passed away last week, and I've been a student of his analysis of language for years, so I get a bit carried away.  What I'm trying to say is this:  doesn't matter what you call it, it's a basic recipe that you can adapt to whatever you wish to top a slice of bread with. 

So enough of the rant, let's get topping!  If you've been following my adventures, you know I've got BBQ coming out of my ears, and have been having fun getting "BB-creative" with smoked meat in recipes.  Tonight it's a simple dish (I'm lazy, I'm tired, and I don't want to waste time, shoot me):  BBQ Pizza.

BBQ Pizza

This can be done on the grill or in your oven.  For the grill, get the coals going and set up the grill for "dual-zones" (a hot zone and a cool zone).  For the oven, preheat the oven to 450 degrees F (the hotter, the better).

Take a Boboli prepared pizza crust (or, alternatively, you can us pita bread or something similar, for smaller "personal" pizzas) and brush with olive oil.

Sprinkle over the crust the ingredients:

• BBQ chopped or shredded pork (or brisket, each works well)
• BBQ Sauce (drizzle over the meat, less coverage than what you'd do with a marinara)
• shredded mozzarella cheese

Place the pizza on the cold size of the grill or in the oven and  bake for 10 minutes or less (depends on the heat of your grill/oven).  You're looking for a golden brown crust and melted cheese.

If you use the Boboli small crusts, you can let each guest create their own pizzas and vary the toppings.  Easy party food, since you don't have to cook it (the guests do the work and they love the participation factor).

You Gonna Eat That?

Sometimes, late at night, you get the munchies ... and all semblance of food sanity goes right out the window (it also seems to happen when you're pregnant, or so I'm told). At any rate, I remember people looking at me as if I'd completely lost my mind when (in response to "What do you wanna eat?") I say "I'm thinking pasta and caramel sauce". Now, granted, I wasn't really hungry for pasta and caramel sauce, I was just going for the shock value ... and I usually got it in spades.

Well, checking out metafilter tonight, I found this. Oddly enough, it sounds kinda good (apparently someone else agrees).